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I would like to welcome you to my very first page. Please be advised that not all of the jokes are appropiate for all ages. I do not take any responsibility for any injuries that you might have while laughing at the jokes! | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ok here are some of the short jokes. These are all cean so you don't have to worry. The next one down will be the dirty jokes }:O) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there? ------- The Ghosts & President Clinton One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre." ------ Sorry I'm Late Mom Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Gosh, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad." ----- Always Give 100 Percent At Work My new work philosophy: Always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays And remember... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work. ------ The Misdirected Vacation E-Mail An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. ------ Two Little Boys In The Hospital Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next to each other. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second replies, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second boy then asks, "What are you in here for?" The first boy replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!!!" ----- The Cautious Pilot Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" she asked. "No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find a new pilot." ----- Dad's Vase A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." ----- A Sunday Drive Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." ----- | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ok Kids. Here the older jokes. If you are going to be offended by them, please don't read them. I realize I can't make everyone happy. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He is all skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. | His mother asks, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like I told you?" He replies, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!" ---- It was during the Gulf war. An Iraqi general decides to go to a front-line village and inspects his troops. When he arrives in the village, he is very surprised to find a female donkey in the camp. "Geez," he says, "Why is there a female donkey in this battle field??" "Well," the soldiers answer with embarrassement, "The Americans are bombing this place since several weeks, and all the village girls are gone. So, uh, when we need women, we only have this donkey to ..." "Fucking hell!" the general angrily interrupts the soldiers, "We are the great Iraqi Army! How could you do such disgraceful things?! I don't want to see this donkey around anymore!" So the soldiers chase the female donkey away. In order to strengthen the discipline and keep an eye on his soldiers, the general decides to stay in the village and commands the operations. And the war goes on. After a couple of weeks, the general starts to feel very in need... "Well," he thinks, "My soldiers may be right. Life is tough here without sex! After all, a female donkey is better than nothing...". So he orders his soldiers to find the donkey back. Once the soldiers bring back the donkey, the general jumps out of his office, unzips his pants, stands behind the donkey and starts to fuck the animal. When he finishes and feels finally released, he notices that hundreds of soldiers - amazed and stunned - are looking at him with big eyes. "Come on, guys," the general says, "Don't look at me like that. Isn't it the way you all have been doing before?" "No, sir,", answer the soldiers, "Before, we used to ride this donkey and find women in the next village." ---- The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." ----(Racial Joke, Don't read if offended!!) here is a plane full of passengers and the pilot gets on the intercom and states: we are overweight and must throw out the luggage. The door opens and out goes the luggage. The pilot comes on again: we are still overweight. We have 12 parachutes and need volunteers. Nobody responds. The pilot states: alright, we will have to do this the democratic way...by alphabet. First the afro-americans, then the blacks, and then the colored people. A little black boy walks up to his dad and asks, "Does that mean that we have to jump daddy?" The man answers, "Hell no son, today we're niggers!" ---- A guy goes into a bar and orders a drink, shoots it down and orders another, shoots it down and orders another and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, I don't know what's bugging you but getting drunk is not the answer." The guy eplies "Oh yeah? Well, I just walked into my house and found my wife in bed with my best friend." Bartender says "Boy that's pretty bad...what did you say to your wife?" The guys replies "I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out and I never wanted to see her again." Bartender says "Well, that seems reasonable, what did you say to your best friend?" The guy replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye and said 'Bad dog! Bad dog!" ---- A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say goodbye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said but my dick has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!" ---- Q: Why is a man like a public toilet. A: Cause their either full of shit or taken. ---- Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having." ---- Two firemen are in the station, SCREWING ... The Chief walks in and says, What the HELL is going on here!. The first fireman replies, He was having a heart attack. So why didn't you JUST give him MOUTH TO MOUTH? asked the Chief. The second fireman MOANS, How in the HELL do you think this ALL got started? ---- A Madame recently opened a whorehouse and on her first week of being open all of her prostitutes got the flu. The Madame didn't want to close down the whorehouse, but she just didn't know what to do. That night she finally came up with in idea, it wasn�t a cleaver one, but it just might work. She thought that if she fixed the lights in every room to be really dark and replaced her girls with blow-up dolls they just might pass for the real thing. Plus since the majority of her customers were men - they didn't give a shit about what they're fucking. But before she put the dolls out she needed to put them to the test. It just so happened that her redneck cousin was in town, why not have him come, he's stupid enough as it is. The Madame called him up and said she would give him a special since he was visiting and he was family, not telling him her situation. He was up for it. He rushed right down and anxiously listened as his cousin told him what room number. He could already feel his dick getting hard. The Madame waited and waited, an hour went by of her pacing around. Then finally the redneck came out with a distraught look on his face. "Well, how was she?" she asked. "Oh ... well, it was going good until I bit into her tit - she farted and flew out the window." ---- presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" the advisor asked. "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news." "What's the bad news?" "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear." "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?" "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra. ---- Penis talk: I'll tell you life ain't easy being a penis I have a head I can't Think with, an eye I can't see with, I hang around with two nuts all Day, my closes neighbor is an asshole, my best friend is pussy, but Worst of all my owner beats me all the time. ---- A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued: Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate? Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something? Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think? Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed? Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented! Daughter: I don't have any FDS. Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment... Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray! ---- President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" the President yells. "It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. President Clinton responds, "Just go ahead and pay it!" ---- Q)HOW DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL USING SIMPLE MATHS? A)SIMPLE, 1.ADD HER TO YOUR BED, 2.SUBTRACT HER CLOTHES, 3.DIVIDE HER LEGS, 4.AND MULTIPLY. ---- Lorena Bobbitt had just completed the act of cutting her husband's penis off. She then drove down the highway at a very high rate of speed, opened her window and threw the penis out. Traveling right behind Lorena�s car were two nuns. The flying wiener smacked right onto the nuns windshield. One nun said to the other, "Did you see the big bug that hit the windshield?" The other nun replied, "Yes, and did you see the cock on that bug?" ---- AT SCHOOL ONE DAY THE TEACHER HEARD CAT NOISES COMING FROM THE CLASS,SO SHE DISCOVERED LITTLE JIMMY WITH A CAT UP HIS JUMPER,SHE SAID WHY HAVE YOU GOT YOUR CAT AT SCHOOL,LITTLE JIMMY STARTED CRYING AN EXPLAINED THAT HE WOKE THAT MORNING TO HEAR THE POSTMAN SAY TO HIS MUMMY "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR PUSSY TODAY" ---- A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." ---- Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son". The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother" The priest says" take one sip of holy water." The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with " I've stolen something". The priest says take two sips of holy water. After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off. So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with, "I pissed in the holy water." ---- A kindergarten teacher was giving a class on the 5 senses. She went to one of her students and said,"Smell this." The student did as she was told and she said,"It smells like a rose." The teacher siad very good. She went up to a boy and said,"Here taste this." The boy said,"No" the teacher said,"It's very good, it's what you mommy calls your daddy." A girl in the back stood up and said,"Don't eat it, it's and asshole!" ---- A son tells his father that he can no longer care for him and he needs to be in the care of a nursing home. His father is outraged at the idea, and at first refuses to think about it. But after awhile the old man gave in. The first night the geezer was in the old folks home, he got a hard-on. In an instant a young blonde nurse, runs in the room, and proceeds to give the fart a wonderful blow-job. Jubilant over what just happened, he called his son and explained his new found fortune. "That's great dad", the son responded. The next day the father decides to take a walk. He no longer gets to the corner of his bed, when he falls. In rushes a big burly orderly that picks him up, throws him across the bed, and proceeds to butt-fuck the old man. The old man goes nuts and calls his son. He tells his son about the crazed orderly, and his son responds, "Dad, think about what you got last night with the gorgeous little blonde, sometimes you just have to take the bad with the good" The father replies, "You don't understand kid, I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fall three times a day!" ---- One day a cop called Willie was patrolling his neighborhood and he notices that there was a man driving drunkenly around the corner so Willie flags the man to the side of the road and starts questioning him; "Who are you?" to which the man replies "I'm Mr. Wank Break" In astonishment, Willie says, "Come again!?" "I'm Mr. Wank Break!" Willie then decides it would be best not to embarrass the man any more and proceeded with the questioning; "Where do you work?" "Bulls Balls Great Big Balls Barring Factory" "WHERE!?!" inquires Willie. "I work at �Bulls Balls Great Big Balls Barring Factory!" Willie thinks this is hilarious and decides to just let him go as he looks like an honest enough guy. 20 minutes later in a nearby neighborhood and another copper called Wayne is patrolling his area and he sees a man driving madly towards him, so Wayne waves the car to the side of the road and tells him to wind it down. The man is clearly visable past his window Wayne inquires "Who are you???" "I'm Mr. Wank Break," replies the baggy eyed man. "You're Who!?!" asks Wayne. "I'm Mr. Wank Break!" A hot-headed Wayne decides to just proceed with the questioning and he asks; "Well where do you work then??" Mr. W then replies, "Bulls Balls Great Big Balls Barring Factory." Over-excitedly Wayne asks again, "Where do you work!?!" "Bulls Balls Great Big Balls Barrings Factory!" Wayne then decides that even though he would like to lock the man up with his chiefs Contestable, it would be best to just let him go as Wayne seemed to have some kind of good vibes coming from the man. Two hours later, after the two coppers got let off work they meet up in Wayne�s favorite place "Dempseys Bar" and the two of them start to chat; "I've had a pretty easy day today apart from one man who was calling himself Mr. Wank Break," says Willie. Wayne replies, "HEY! I had a man calling himself that as well!, I just let him go because I thought he wouldn't commit another crime!" A cunning Wayne then says "Well if you stopped him for committing a crime and I stopped him for committing a crime then he had two offenses! we'll better bring him in before he breaks the law again!" "Well he told me he worked at the �Bulls Balls Great Big Balls Barring Factory." "He told me that too, we may as well try phoning them to find out where we can catch him!" Wayne 'n' Willie proceed to the phone and check the book for the number of the factory and after about a minute of looking Wayne finds it. They get the number and proceed to phone it; Willie holds the phone as they get through to one of the factories workers and he asks "Hello, do you have a Wank Break there?" The worker replies, "What, are you kidding? We don't even get a coffee break here mate!!!!!!" ---- The President's daughter wanted a parrot for her birthday. The President's aides searched around D.C. and found a pet shop with a parrot on sale. They were about to leave with the bird when the owner spoke up. "I've gotta warn you, this one was preciously owned by a pimp." They were in such a hurry, they ignored the man. They set up it's cage outside the oval office. Then Chelsea walked by and the parrot said, "Too young". Then Hillary walked by and the bird said, "Too Old". Then the president walked by and the bird said, "Hey Bill! Haven't seen you in a while!" ---- A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." ---- Three pilots crash on a desert island. A German, an Englishman, and an American. The natives on the island capture them, tie them to stakes, and tell them that they are all going have their skins used to make canoes, but each person gets to choose how they die. The German says "Give me a knife." the natives give him a knife, and he slits his own throat. The natives then take him off the stake and proceed to making a canoe of his skin. The Englishman says "Give me a revolver." The natives give him a revolver, and he shoots himself in the head. They the proceed to making him into a canoe also. The American scowls and says "Give me a fork." The natives look confused, but give him a fork anyways. The American beams triumphantly and proceeds to stab himself all over his body while screaming "Fuck you and your damn canoe!!!!!!" ---- This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" ---- Did you know that beer has a lot of feminine hormones ? If you drink to much beer, you can't drive and you talk only rubbish. ---- One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent." ---- One day an Indian boy asked his dad why do we have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees, why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking." ---- A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. ---- Q: What's the cruelest form of rejection for a man? A: When his dick goes limp at the sight of his hand. ---- An old woman had spent her whole life in a wheelchair. She knew she was going to die soon, so she decided to spend a day at the beach. She was quietly contemplating the ocean when a gorgeous young man walked by. She called him over and said, "I have spent my whole life in this chair and I've never been hugged by a young man." He thought about it and decided to help her out. He leaned over and gave her a nice warm hug. She was very pleased. She sat there a while longer. Another young man walked by, so she thought she'd try it again. "Young man, I've spent this whole life in this wheelchair and I've never been kissed." He felt sorry for her and leaned down and gave her a really nice kiss. She couldn't believe her luck! She felt that her life had been complete, until she saw this gorgeous young man come walking along. She thought to herself, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." She called the young man over and said, "I've been in this wheelchair my whole life. I've never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience. I'm coming to the end of my life and I would REALLY like to get fucked just once before I die." He thought about it for awhile and told her that it was just too much to ask. She begged with him and said that it was her dying wish. He thought about it a little while longer and finally said yes. He took her lap blanket off her lap and laid it out nicely on the beach. He picked her up in his big strong arms and gently laid her out on the blanket. He then grabbed her wheelchair and chucked it far out into the ocean. While walking away he turned and looked over his shoulder at her and said, "Now, you're fucked!" ---- Mickey mouse walks into his attorney's office and says," What do you have on my divorce case with Minnie Mouse?" The attorney replies," Mickey, I don't feel comfortable about you divorcing your wife just because she's stupid." Mickey mouse says," let me repeat what I said, she's fucking Goofy!!" ---- This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest horror house and says to the man working there," Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?" "Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!" The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?" "Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!" ---- A king is trying to find a husband for his daughter. He finds 3 eligible guys and makes them go through an obstacle course. They have to jump a barbed wire fence swim across a lake and fuck a cow. The first guy gets caught on the barbed wire fence and dies.. The second guy jumps the fence and drowns in the lake. The third guy jumps the fence swims the lake and fucks the cow. The king says, "Ok, you can marry my daughter." The guy replies, "Forget your daughter, how much for the cow?" ---- There was a chicken farmer who only had one old cock in the henhouse. Needless to say, he wasn't up to much. The farmer brought a new cock, and put him in the henhouse. The old rooster saw the new rooster and decided he'd better do something. He walked up to the new cock, and said, "you think you're pretty top shit, don't you?" The new cock said "I know I'm top shit." The old cock challenged him to a race around the hen-house, 10 laps. Whoever won, will get to lay all the hens. The new cock thinks this is too easy and so says, "I'll even give you a head start." Bang, off they went, with the old cock 1 lap ahead of the new cock. The hens are going wild, cuckooing and squawking, (they all wanted a good root for once.) The new cock was beginning to gain, and the noise got louder. Just as the new cock was about a foot away from beating the old rooster, the farmer ran in, because of the noise. He saw the new cock running after the old cock. He had a gun, and promptly shot the new cock. "Damn" he says, "that's the third gay cock I bought this month." ---- What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair? Answer: Artifical Intelligence! ---- This guy's going on a business trip and while gone, he doesn't want his wife fucking every guy in town. So he goes down to the local sex toy shop and asks the clerk what he's got. "Well, sir, we got the dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, those are our most popular." "No, no! My wife has all that shit! I need something...I don't know...different." The clerk looks at the man and reaches under the counter and pulls out a wooden box covered in dust. "This, my friend, is the Voodoo Dick!" He pulls the cover off and there's a very ordinary looking dildo inside. "Big fucking deal!" says the man, "It looks like every other cock in the shop!" "But you haven't seen what it can do yet! Voodoo, dick the door!" and the voodoo dick rises up and shoots into the key hole of the door and starts fucking the shit out of it! And just before the door is about to explode, the clerk says, "Voodoo, back in your box!" The voodoo dick stops and cruises on back to its box. "How much!" yelled the man. "$700...cash!" The man agreed and took it home to his wife. "Now honey, all you have to do is say, voodoo, dick my pussy, and it'll fuck you all night long!" She rolls her eyes and walks away. So it's been a couple days and his wife is getting really horny. She's about to call up one of her boy friends and then she remembers...THE VOODOO DICK!!! "Voodoo dick my pussy!" she says and immediately, the cock starts fucking her with amazing speed! She's screaming and creaming all over the place. After 9 orgasms, she decides she's had enough. She tries pulling it out, but it keeps fucking her!!! So she decides to go down to the hospital to see if they can do anything. She puts on a dress and starts driving down the highway. "Ahhhhhh! Holy shit!" she's screaming, still creaming. She almost swerves off the road and a cop pulls her over. "License and registration please, and how much have you had to drink tonight?" says the cop. "No, sir, you see there's, ahhhhh! this voodoo dick stuck in my pussy!" The cop replies, "Yea, right! Voodoo dick my ass!" ---- An elderly couple decides to celebrate their 50th anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh oh Harold this is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well they ought to Gladys ones a hangin in your oatmeal and the others a hangin in your coffee!" ---- Q: What is the difference between your wife and the washing maching? A: You don't have to hug the washing machine after you drop a load in it. ---- A man walks up to a bar and tells the bartender to give him six shots of wiskey, The bartender says Six shots ? What are you celebrating? the man says My first blowjob. the bartender says Great let me buy you one, the man says No thanks, If six dont get the taste out of your mouth,Nothing will !
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